…And then i stopped because I dont care.
-Armor for Sleep

so lots of thignshave been goign on as per usual. i dotn feel like talking about most of it. jsut know dan imed me saying he wants a necklace of his back which is fine and then he said that he was going to do what he said he’d do originally- vanish. so he deleted me from myspace, facebook and aim. can we say immature and Highschool drama? god.

so i log onto yahoo mail see i have mail and figure its from msypace from andy cuz he hasnt responded to my last message. wrong, its from dan. so i’m just like… what the fuck does he want? …this is what he said:

I want you to know, i was ready to risk it all. Do everything in my power to get you back. I wanted to be with you. But never again. Never will i want to see you, or hear of you. never again will i think of you in a loving way. i Hate you! You walked, just what you’re good at isnt it carol Barone. running.

whats the real kicker, is if you were as bad off as you sed you were. You’ve already hurt yourself far worse then i ever would have. I loved you, but never again. live with that, you gave up on love, and for that i will forever despise you.

I would have loved you Forever, like i promised. Now i’ll only have anger towards you Forever.

-D. Allen Gifford

[Keep the fuckin' necklace, if getting it back means i have to see you, it aint worth it.]

i started crying, and crawled into bed. i feel like shit right now. not because of really anything he said except for the walking away part. its one of the many things i hate about myself and by saying that to me it was like stabbing mea million times.

i sent him a message telling him thankyou for his lvoely maturity.

i need a hug

THE gif 05: no you will not be stealimng my cat
Faerie Kiseki: yes i will be
THE gif 05: no you wont
Faerie Kiseki: yeah huh!
THE gif 05: umm did you not forget all that i sed the other day
Faerie Kiseki: nope
THE gif 05: how can you be so cool about everything
THE gif 05: like nothing ever happened
Faerie Kiseki: it makes me feel a bit better
THE gif 05: weirdest thing, i hadnt really been like broken up in terms of emotionally wrecked until today
Faerie Kiseki: oh. i’ve been like tha tsince break
THE gif 05: well ive been hiding it away
THE gif 05: just take all that pain and hurt and push it into a little ball then in 30-40 years cut out that cancer infected part of my colon
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: nvm comedian
Faerie Kiseki: oh
THE gif 05: did you ever foresee this?
Faerie Kiseki: foresee what?
THE gif 05: the way this turned out
Faerie Kiseki: no
THE gif 05: weird
THE gif 05: lately ive had flashbacks
THE gif 05: like when u spray pledge and it smells of pine and you think of xmas
Faerie Kiseki: thats been life sicne break started
THE gif 05: so what we just suffer thru this agony
Faerie Kiseki: pretty much
THE gif 05: while trying to forgue a friendship, which will be based on awkwardness and pain?
THE gif 05: while im forced to revert to howq i felt about you since you had long hair
Faerie Kiseki: i’m sorry
THE gif 05: seeing as i went 6 years whats i lifetime more
THE gif 05: fyi, i know u bitched about how i kissed ya on the forehead
THE gif 05: i thought that was closure for me, the face you made
THE gif 05: and it was for like a while
THE gif 05: but it crumbled
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: either way life is unbarable, so i want ur opinion on this. you upset wen we talk and i the same on this end, or not talking and hoping the lingering will subside
THE gif 05: pain only hides wen distractions form
THE gif 05: but once left alone with ones thoughts, old things will reopen
THE gif 05: fucking a, i hate winter
Faerie Kiseki: heh
THE gif 05: no like really i hate it
THE gif 05: winter gives me hives
THE gif 05: not even lying
THE gif 05: ive told you that before
Faerie Kiseki: yeah
THE gif 05: yeah well they itch
THE gif 05: so do u see why u cant have the cat
Faerie Kiseki: …nope
THE gif 05: im glad this is funny to you
Faerie Kiseki: he’s mine.
THE gif 05: no hes not
THE gif 05: he was ours
THE gif 05: alone this theat little black cat i was gunna get you, if u remember
THE gif 05: with the yellow bow i think it was
Faerie Kiseki: please dont bring that up
THE gif 05: why not
Faerie Kiseki: becasue i dont want to hear it
THE gif 05: why not
Faerie Kiseki: becasue!
THE gif 05: lucy, you got some splaining to do
THE gif 05: it was a cute kitten
Faerie Kiseki: yes
THE gif 05: i happen to like that memory
THE gif 05: yet its my curse as well
THE gif 05: if you could “eternal sunshine” me out of ur mind, would you??
THE gif 05: in all honesty?
Faerie Kiseki: nope
THE gif 05: really
Faerie Kiseki: really
THE gif 05: hahah, i would, cuz we could restart, not knowing wed restarted
THE gif 05: like the characters in it
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: i hate you, you know that right?
Faerie Kiseki: no.
THE gif 05: not i want to kill you hate you
THE gif 05: well i think i hate me, for not hating you
THE gif 05: if i could hate you, i could move on
THE gif 05: and i hate me for not letting me hate you
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: why must you torment me?
Faerie Kiseki: i’m sorry
THE gif 05: no ur not
THE gif 05: ur just saying that, cuz u dont know what to say
THE gif 05: like if i said i guess to something
Faerie Kiseki: oh
THE gif 05: i was all set, i sed my piece, and as much as i want you back, here now, home
THE gif 05: ive spent days backing up pictures of you on discs loading my phones pics of you onto discs for the box, to hide it all inhopes of hiding the pain, then remove you from it all, not to talk, look, think of, remove you from it all, until i didnt think of you, ive been staying occupied
THE gif 05: ive worn out my friends, ive finished 3 games in the past week alone
THE gif 05: and then i open myspace and u leave a comment on my cat
THE gif 05: aand now i cant go
THE gif 05: and i want you home, now more then ever
THE gif 05: just for one last night
THE gif 05: you asleep, hogging all the bed, taking all the sheets as u roll around
THE gif 05: small smile across ur face, barely noticeable in the dark night light
THE gif 05: where as once i feared going to sleep, for sleeping you wouldnt be, now i fear waking for my dreams, for they r the only place you reside. my life is the nightmare, instead of my dream come true
Faerie Kiseki: pretty much.
THE gif 05: so again… i always sed id go, if you asked. shall i go
Faerie Kiseki: go?
THE gif 05: like i sed last night
Faerie Kiseki: i’m still confused?
THE gif 05: if you recalled, i always said i would leave, if you ever wanted me to
THE gif 05: i said it from day one
THE gif 05: i also said id never let you go
THE gif 05: but thats a different story, i mean i still havent
Faerie Kiseki: mm
THE gif 05: but if im just gunna upset you with stuff like this kitten story (i loved that cat, im still gunna get it two, oh and i learned how to flick a rose… sorry) then all you have to do is ask, and ill go, never to bug you again, let us both move one and be less upset hopefully (until hopefully our flame finds a new source of fuel, or ur end of the flame finds the new source and we end up back. *x’s fingers*)
Faerie Kiseki: thanks for that extra bit of info. as if i dont cry enough
THE gif 05: huh??
Faerie Kiseki: nothing
THE gif 05: no tell me
Faerie Kiseki: the rose bit
THE gif 05: oh well i have alot of free time at work, and the florists throw out like i billion flowers a day
THE gif 05: so i steal them and throw them when im bored
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: the only thing u cant do is make them stick in the ground, cuz its animated, so like they can, but really then just bounce
Faerie Kiseki: yeah
THE gif 05: yeah, so anyways
THE gif 05: i left a question in that paragraph
Faerie Kiseki: ok?
THE gif 05: i said id lieave if u want, do u want…?
Faerie Kiseki: no
THE gif 05: ud rather the extra pain
THE gif 05: ?
Faerie Kiseki: either way it’ll be painful
Faerie Kiseki: i’m a sucker for torture anyway
THE gif 05: but u just said i added more a minute ago
THE gif 05: you know i could marry, have a family, blah blah, house all that, and id give it all up for even one day with you even if its by the time i have all that
Faerie Kiseki: mmm
THE gif 05: if you understood that at all, it seemed a bit mixed up but if u de-wordjumble it its all there
Faerie Kiseki: i understood
THE gif 05: ok
THE gif 05: funny thing is i think i broke the last leg we stood on
Faerie Kiseki: ?
THE gif 05: the end of it, i take full responcibility for the ending of it
Faerie Kiseki: why
THE gif 05: well ud just gotten back into ur swing of things, and wanted a few days to relax back inot it all there
THE gif 05: so i gave them, then i just kind of stopped try, i waited and waited for some kind of responce to u baing ready to go back to us, and i never stepped up, forgetting that u never take the first step… and then i got mad, and just did my own thing until 3 weeks went by and it just ended
THE gif 05: normally, id push it until we argued it out and finally talked
THE gif 05: then things normal out
THE gif 05: but i didnt, i just waited, then i didnt have to wait cuz i was destracted all the time, tired of waiting
THE gif 05: d u fell out of love
Faerie Kiseki: d?
THE gif 05: i think there was a cut off word
Faerie Kiseki: probably
THE gif 05: i could never form the words to truly give justice to how badly i want you here
THE gif 05: i almost asked you out, or to take me bacck or stuff like that about 6-7 times
Faerie Kiseki: mm
THE gif 05: usually i plugged in ur cell number and that was it
THE gif 05: once i hitt send and it didnt ring, so i quickly disconnected
THE gif 05: the last time was yesterday evening
Faerie Kiseki: …i almsot texted you a few times but thats it
THE gif 05: texted me?
Faerie Kiseki: yes
THE gif 05: about what, like “hey”?
Faerie Kiseki: i have no clue. one of the reasons i never sent you anything. i wanted to say soemthing, anything, but diodnt know what
THE gif 05: hahah, and i knew what i wanted to say, but i fear let down
THE gif 05: i mean you can only stand up a certain number of times, and i dont think ill beable to get back to my feet if im knocked down again
THE gif 05: like right now, if i knew i could take it either way, id call you and ask, just so atleast i knew i could
THE gif 05: seeing as i have to be up in 3.5 hours i shall be off
Faerie Kiseki: goodnight
THE gif 05: “sweet dreams, sleep tight, dont let the bedbugs bite, home upstairs.”
Faerie Kiseki: stop it
THE gif 05: stop what
Faerie Kiseki: dont say things like taht
THE gif 05: why, they mean nothing now, mearly words, faint things
THE gif 05: too me they mean the world

I still love him i do. but i need to give up. very much so.
who will wrpa their arms around me tight andsay they lvoe me now?

Regardless though.
I.
Shall.
STEAL LIL’ KITTY!!!
bwuahahaaaaa. ^^

as i sit here i want to write alot.

but i won’t

just know as I sit here, i am crying over him. I wore his shirt, necklace and the cuff with our initials slashed into it today. I can’t stop thinking of him.

I hate life

hmm.. so technically today is the 27th and yesterday isnt today. but for the sake of my sanity i’m going to pretend it’s the 26th.

So i got up this morning at 11 because i had told Dan a couple of hours before that i would meet him for lunch today. So we met at Young Young’s…. the first thing he gives me are the apple altoid mints. He bought me them because we used to eat them all time when we first started going out. he was like “you know why i got them” and i was just like “yes, i’m nto a fucking iditot” …i can’t believe he got htem. so we went in to eat, and oh my gosh he’s sucha douche now… which he had told me before. he’s just mean… its scary. he wanted to thank me for a. breaking it off so he didnt have to and b. because now he has found the girl he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with. that hurt so much. but he said he would do it all over again. as in go back in the past and still do everything. he said he would commentate “and…this is where i would fuck up, and this is where she’s going ot be a bitch”. he ended up listening to music while we were eating. hwo fucking rude. and then we decided to leave… after i had a craptacular time. and as i was aboutto geti nto my car he came over to me and started poking me in the forehead with his keys. o.o;; i was sooo confused, so i sidled over closer to my door. i knew he was up to something htough becuase he tsarted poking my in the arm. so i punched him in the stomache i wish i punched harder. and then he bruished back my hair and kissed me on the forehead >.<

i got home and felt sick… yeah, i hate being female. so i’ve been in bed sleeping ALL day, and finally decided to take 2 advil at 6…. then i slept some more. officially got up at 11. about half hour ago i finally ate something … woo for not eating for over 12 hours. and now i feel -worse-. greeeaaat. i go to eat a little something to stop my stomache from hurting from not eating… and now my stomahce is clenching and feeling ultimately uber yucky.

oh and dan’s away message is…

i wasnt expecting the lunch i had to be so… yeah… just sort of the way iot happened…

not all of it… but the important part. i wonder hwat he means… oh well. i just want to go back to vt and forget there was ever a state, a home, a life, a love all remembered by connecticut.

THE gif 05: you know why i sed we cant be friends first
Faerie Kiseki: i do?
THE gif 05: because tho its all ended up this way, i really do still care for you. and to ever think of you with anyone else, loving omeone the way u figured u loved me, being with someone the way i remembered u with me
THE gif 05: that i know ill never beable to live down
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: like wen Tom went on a date and it almost killed Rose
Faerie Kiseki: yeah
THE gif 05: plus i knew there was a guy
THE gif 05: im not dumb carol
THE gif 05: i read ur damned blogs
Faerie Kiseki: blog. no plural
THE gif 05: there were two with guys u “ahum” like
THE gif 05: one u sed u couldnt mention who i was
Faerie Kiseki: oh right, entries. i thought you meant i had to journals.
Faerie Kiseki: err two
THE gif 05: yeah
THE gif 05: 2 entries have the talk of guys u like
THE gif 05: so i did semi lie to me
Faerie Kiseki: woohoo, they’re cute. big fucking deal.
Faerie Kiseki: neither are dateable.
THE gif 05: well it doesnt say that in the blogs
Faerie Kiseki: sorry, didnt know i had to be specific
THE gif 05: it was wen i woke up and read that entry that i wrote the IM saying we couldsnt be friends
THE gif 05: cuz it would still hurt to bad
THE gif 05: so i choose to flee from that worry
THE gif 05: but it followed me as it does
Faerie Kiseki: you seem pretty content though.
THE gif 05: not at all
THE gif 05: all a cleaver disguese
Faerie Kiseki: you’ve always been good at that
THE gif 05: well that entry u seemed so content with the end, that ineeded to seem ok too.
THE gif 05: i mean wen u and i talked over the texts and ended it, i did kind f have that same feeling you did. call it quits
THE gif 05: wh i sed later it was mutual
THE gif 05: it was just a magnatude of the drop off we had shocked me
THE gif 05: like right after we were together and seemingly find
THE gif 05: it just landslid into nothing
THE gif 05: but thats not the key thing i wanted to get across
THE gif 05: i wanted you to know why i snapped and sed we couldnt be friends
THE gif 05: i mean u and i were never really friends
THE gif 05: we didnt ever talk
THE gif 05: then we flirted hit it off dated
THE gif 05: its not like we had years of friend status to fall back on
THE gif 05: like i could see you with a guy one day and be cool, cuz ur my old school long time friend
THE gif 05: it would be the sting of the ex with a guy and the longtime crush crushed feeling
Faerie Kiseki: mmm
THE gif 05: yeah, so i tried to act all big and strong
THE gif 05: but it was too hard, so i tried to get rid of u by saying we cant be friends
THE gif 05: but that failed cuz no contact with u was worse
THE gif 05: hence the trading of stuff so early and all that
THE gif 05: and i put some things i liked and wanted to keep, but i felt if i did it suck to much to see, so i put them in as kind of a “yeah take that i dont need this stuff” and calling it shit tried to make u think i was perfectly fine
THE gif 05: also why i laughed wen the chain tangled, i really wanted to look like everything was perfect
Faerie Kiseki: seeign you laugh made things feel like everythign was alright, that there was stil la chance for friendship. that made me happy
THE gif 05: but no matter how long were friends, ill always hold a flame, tho as small and hurt as it is, itll be there
THE gif 05: and i think that might kill us as friends
THE gif 05: thats kind of why u and i were never friends before
THE gif 05: u with guy, me no like guy, u and i no hang out
THE gif 05: the whole right girl, wrong time thing
THE gif 05: please no matter what happens all i sed on that last IM was not to hurt you
THE gif 05: i promise
THE gif 05: it was the truth, i dont regret a minute with you, not even the fights, i wish i could have changed some things, but i think it all happened as it needed to. tho it may never seem it to you, everything i did, everything i did because i love you. whats why i dont regret it
THE gif 05: if id have done it all to get in ur pants then id be regreting it, but i did everything out of love, so i dont
THE gif 05: i didnt mean it to come out as a bash at you
Faerie Kiseki: ok
THE gif 05: but thats all i have to say
THE gif 05: nothing really left to say. lol
Faerie Kiseki: heh
Faerie Kiseki: heh
THE gif 05: so im not sure what to do now
Faerie Kiseki: hahahaa
THE gif 05: what?
Faerie Kiseki: i dunno. that just kind of struck me as humorous
THE gif 05: oh im so glad
Faerie Kiseki: sorry
THE gif 05: no its fine
THE gif 05: this killed another thing just like this
THE gif 05: well many really
THE gif 05: im use to it
Faerie Kiseki: ?
THE gif 05: the problem i face with u and future friendshipness, its happened with someone else before u, thats why i know it will happen
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: yup
THE gif 05: ive grown use to the idea that i wont have exes as friends, and friends as exes and all that
Faerie Kiseki: thats sad. you should toss that idea out of the window.
THE gif 05: cant, as long as i care for you, i know ill mess up being ur friend
THE gif 05: seen it before
THE gif 05: 3 times
THE gif 05: but thats umimportant
THE gif 05: wen it happens it happens, and even if it does, ur in Vt, ud never see me anyways
THE gif 05: i mean how often really do u see griffin
Faerie Kiseki: almost never.
THE gif 05: exactly, so u know, wen that road hits u with a guy, ill get mad, we wont talk, but its not like im gunna be talking everyday like wen we dated anyways, so d never really notice my absence
THE gif 05: meanwhile, i move on tattoo up, grow my hair out and dye it, and become Gif, the most confusing and cold person anyones ever known
THE gif 05: something i learned im very good at
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: yeah i learnd without saying a word, i can get ppl to do and say anything, and i never have to let anyone see my true left
THE gif 05: its so fucking cool
THE gif 05: lol
Faerie Kiseki: haha
THE gif 05: i just totally fucked with Courtneys head
THE gif 05: she spilled her guts about everything in the world, and she knows nothing about me
THE gif 05: granted she hates me now
THE gif 05: but whateva
Faerie Kiseki: ahaha. why does she hate you?
THE gif 05: cuz i got her to let me into her inner thoguths, and she doesnt even know if im happy or sad right now
Faerie Kiseki: ah.
THE gif 05: but yes thank Kate wen u get a chance will ya
Faerie Kiseki: whyyy?
THE gif 05: cuz we went to the mall, and she verbally beat me upside the head that its not worth not talking to you over a break up
THE gif 05: tho many marriages have the two ppl never talking again so hunh?
Faerie Kiseki: heh. i knew tah tgirl was good for something
Faerie Kiseki: i hate divorced couples who dont talk, and hate each other. its soooo fucking stupid\
THE gif 05: its not that i fucking hate you
THE gif 05: its the opposite
Faerie Kiseki: i’m just saying
THE gif 05: i mean, no chance for us ever again, ever true?
Faerie Kiseki: true
THE gif 05: but as my first real love and my longest crush i will always love u afar. and any guy will piss me off, thus id be mad and wed argue and end up not talking anyways
THE gif 05: so i was cutting out the long middle part
THE gif 05: the boring part if you will
THE gif 05: like the bible
THE gif 05: i mean i feel even being in the same room be impossible
THE gif 05: cuz ur 100% over it
THE gif 05: and im over it
THE gif 05: but ill never be over u
THE gif 05: something about you
Faerie Kiseki: brb
Faerie Kiseki: back
THE gif 05: hey
THE gif 05: so in a nutshell, u over it me over it, but me love you still, just not in love with you, you over me, us trying friends, oneday will fail, me go apeshit u life happily ever after
THE gif 05: i think thats like the super short version
THE gif 05: lol
Faerie Kiseki: the ending of that might not be the way you think though.
THE gif 05: how so?
THE gif 05: give me ur version
Faerie Kiseki: i go for the more optimistic version.
THE gif 05: meaning, theres no hope of my not going apeshit wen u move on
THE gif 05: u there?
Faerie Kiseki: yeah
Faerie Kiseki: it said you were typing so iwas waiting for your im, lol
THE gif 05: oh hmm
THE gif 05: did u get my last one
Faerie Kiseki: the no hope of not going apeshit one?
THE gif 05: about i could be with Pam anderson and the minute ur with a guy, ill go bat shit
Faerie Kiseki: didnt get that one
THE gif 05: ah
THE gif 05: thats the last message i sent
THE gif 05: not the best way to start off a friend thing
THE gif 05: but true
Faerie Kiseki: mm
THE gif 05: ive decided on 2 weeks im taking a totally me week
THE gif 05: no myspace, facebook, cell, IM, friends, school
THE gif 05: nothing
THE gif 05: and im gunna take my pay check and do anything i want
THE gif 05: just me myself and i
Faerie Kiseki: cool
THE gif 05: i need to, all the world is like bottled into my black little soul, and i need one week to left everything be gone
THE gif 05: oh shit new years
Faerie Kiseki: heh
THE gif 05: did u like the mistletoe?
Faerie Kiseki: it made me sad.
THE gif 05: why?
Faerie Kiseki: it just did
THE gif 05: oh, it was suppose to be hope, oh well that failed
Faerie Kiseki: hope?
THE gif 05: yeah
THE gif 05: think about it mistletoe is xmas stuff, love and hope and good cheer all that shit
THE gif 05: so it was in a weird way my way of hoping you find ur PC for under that mistletoe
THE gif 05: yes i read ur away message
Faerie Kiseki: what away?
THE gif 05: the one about the missing PC and something else
THE gif 05: idk i saw it up for like 2 days or something
Faerie Kiseki: oh. i dont remember. big surprise
THE gif 05: i think it was on ur PC
Faerie Kiseki: yeah, probably
THE gif 05: but t had to do with losng ur PC and looking for the right one
THE gif 05: or something
THE gif 05: all i know is Prince Charming is in bold
THE gif 05: so i put in the mistletoe hoping it woul guide you too him
THE gif 05: i want you happy
THE gif 05: thats all
Faerie Kiseki: have i had this away up recently?
THE gif 05: its been up like a few times in the last week or so
THE gif 05: 3 r for
THE gif 05: 3 or 4 times
Faerie Kiseki: does it include something about “findign him till chapter 3?”
THE gif 05: yes
THE gif 05: what does that mean?
Faerie Kiseki: ohright, thast from Beauty and the beast
THE gif 05: well anyways had i known that i would have put a rose in instead
THE gif 05: but anyways moral is
HE gif 05: i want you happy
THE gif 05: be happy
Faerie Kiseki: i’m trying
THE gif 05: why isnt it working?
Faerie Kiseki: i’ve been in a slump for a bit now. depression. fun stuff
THE gif 05: aww why? what depression, i mean its all good
Faerie Kiseki: i hate beign here
THE gif 05: ((by the way wen u dead frozen hands freeze to the door, just push my stiff body into the icy water ok?))
Faerie Kiseki: nyah?
THE gif 05: the whole be hapy thing
THE gif 05: all i want is for you to be happy
THE gif 05: ((nvm, it was a bad Titanic joke))
Faerie Kiseki: oh. i didnt get it
THE gif 05: i noticed
THE gif 05: they had plans to do all that stuff
THE gif 05: and he died so she could do them
THE gif 05: and she did
THE gif 05: and she pushed him off the door she was flouting on, and he drifted into the icy water
THE gif 05: aka the only part of the movie i remember
Faerie Kiseki: ah
THE gif 05: go to VT, fall in love graduate, get married, pop out soem babies, have a great family, be happy, have a good carrer, die old… blah blah
THE gif 05: lol
THE gif 05: meanwhile, im gunna go thru school, idk where, then book a one way ticket to europe, and never see this place or any of these ppl again
Faerie Kiseki: what about cali?
THE gif 05: was us remember
Faerie Kiseki: oh

aim shut down twice after that. the second time i was about to copy too… basically he’s going toeurope as far away from shire as possible. i decided to get some sleep he says “ttyl care” and i say “night dan”

THE gif 05: its Gif to you now… lol
Faerie Kiseki: i’ll call you what i want.
THE gif 05: well *raspberry* to you, i only respond to Gif, unless ur Kate and its Danny
THE gif 05: damn u dynamo Dan
THE gif 05: sorry bye
Faerie Kiseki: night

yet it continues…. another night, another wet pillow….

i’ve given up on love. in liking people. on boys.

I really like Frank…. but i’ve already decided it would be better for me if i don’t like him and if i dont date him. stay single carol.

i exchanged “shit” with dan, as he calls it. He gave me back 2 gifts i had given him when we were going out. it made me so fucking mad. and quite upset as well.

I’ve cried myself every night since i came back. everything here reminds me of him. this shouldnt hurt as much as it does. why does it?

love sucks

Yeah so i was procrastianting last night (kind of like right now…) and was able to worm my way into going to north house

I got some work done then decided it was sleepy time. I mentioend something about heading back and Frank was just like “oh you can stay here” SCORE! hehe He played gta for a bit mroe then crawled into bed with me. <3 It’s so nice sleeping next to him. It’s relaxing and easygoing. no worries just sleep. WEll..my ehart pounds heavily so i’m always afraid he might feel that when we snuggle close >.< have i mentioend hwo cuuuuute he is when he’s just woken up? hehehehe. he’s cute all the tiem tho

SO yeah… i was supposed to wake up at 8 or 9…. my alarm went off at 8, he turned it off. His alarm went off at 9, turned it off and i sat up a bit and told him i should get up. He looks at me and just doesnt move. So we went back to bed. 10 we wake up….its too cold to get out of bed. 10:30 rolls around and i figure yeah, i should totally get up now. He just looks at me and throws the covers over my head. hahaaa. while sleeping next to someone, i sleep well, but i dont usually go into a deep sleep. so i always noticed when he moved. Like when he moved to place his head on my neck when we were on our sides. I thought i felt his lips touch my neck ever so slightly and i htought i felt him bit my neck slightly- but being as I was half asleep i probably imagined it XD its cute to think of anyways.

now that i’m sure you’re sick of hearing me talk about Fraaaaank… i’m off to do my mass ammount of hoemwork!

I made myself pretty again. Not sure who i’m goign to run into day though… heh. Of course i know who i would liek to be with…

I’m ahuge music person so dont be surprised if i only post song lyrics as a entry… they usually describe me well….

At 0 am I rushed out and kicked the door
My glass shoe is shattered, my dress is also torn

Hey, aren’t you concerned?
You don’t even try to chase me
My tears overflow and I can’t run any longer

Maybe this is jealousy. It’s painful.

“Lonely in Gorgeous”, ye-ah
Party night…I’m breaking my heart
I want you to find and embrace me right now

The headlight shines
…where are you bad boy?
Wipe my tears with the scarf of love
I can’t see anything

As the stardust gathers, I feel like striking at you
Why don’t you care? I can’t be in love on my own

Maybe this is unrequited love, is this for real?

“Lonely in Gorgeous”, ye-ah
Party time…I don’t feel it
If you are not here, the world is empty

I want to see the continuation of my dream
“I miss you bad boy”
And not confined within the middle of glitter
I feel like breaking

“Lonely in Gorgeous”
I’m breaking my heart
Where are you bad boy?
“Lonely in party night”

“Lonely in Gorgeous”
I’m breaking my heart
I miss you bad boy
“Lonely in party time”

“Lonely in Gorgeous”, ye-ah…
Party night…I can’t smile
There’s nothing that I need but to be by your side

“Lonely in Gorgeous”, ye-ah…
Party night…I’m breaking my heart
What you left is the inside of a glittering box
I can’t move as I embrace my loneliness
There’s nothing that I need but to be by your side
As I kneel down, I see myself pledging my love

“Loney in Gorgeous” By TommyFebruary6

I cied myself to sleep again last night… and had an nightmare. Thankfully i dont remember most of it.

I’m out…

about time i posted here either?! I’ve been posting on the more public blog of mine Sparkle Panda. If you’re a friend and have access to this blog, than feel special. Sicne so far as i know only Chris and Kyle have it…eh, hi guys! XD I’ll probably send his to some friends i know i wouldn’t mind reading this. But this will be much different from the other blog of mine. It’s much more private. But with that said… off i go to do an entry…

OK! so yeah… let’s see…yesterday was Sunday. I broke up with Dan. yeah. finally eh? he claims it’s mutual… but yeah it didn’t btoehr me until late last night. Which i knew would happen. You can’t date someone for 1 year and 2 months and be totally happy about it. There will always be sadness involved even though you know the decisions is right and much better and happier for you. So yes, i didn’t want to sleep i knew i would start crying os i stayed up talkign withFrank (<3). i eventually went outside to sit in the snow and watch it snow… fun! then i came back… sat in my chair and cried a bit. went to bed and cried. woke up at 10, so a message dan had left me…sobbed. I didn’t post the message in my other blog but i can put it here. Mind you, don’t read if you don’t want to know about my personal relationship with dan.

THE gif 05: This shall be the last you hear of me, until we trade belongings. I hope maybe one day we can become friends, but i dont see that happening anytime soon. frankly, i knew it was cming, i wanted you back at your dorm, hence the Texts making sure you were alive. id been waiting to say its over all day, thats why i asked you how u thought we were doing. the love was done, or atleast its do different to work. atleast we ended on good ground, not a fight like lasttime. it was mutual, thats why i’m not trying to win you back, or wimper, or text you all the time… it was over long before this, we just didnt see it, or atleast we didnt act on it. i will apologize for one thing, all of the sex… had i known this was the outcome, i never would have gotten to that point with you… so anyways, i’ve made my peace.

Sincerly Yours, Dan (the Gif) Former P.C.

…I showed Krysta and she said the last part was just devious and mean. and i agree. I don’t believe it was mutual on his part… but whatever

ugh… but yeah if you havent noticed earlier.. i already have a crush on someone XD Frank <3. …he’s also taken T_T. but its a logn distance relationship… other folks have already said it wont last for him. specially sicne he’s such a flirt xD. but yeah how did this start? I started hanging out with and ohh it was awesome. and i’ve slept over twice and it was so nice. the second time i held his hand while we slept a bit ^_^ and he said I can sleep in his bed anytime! yess- and thats really only because he has a feather bed. w00t.

although i should probably stop this crush. he’s a great fun guy, and if my feelings aren’t reciprocated at all well… that would suck. And he still does have his girlfriend. I’ve never had a really big crush on someone who was taken before. O.o;; weiiiird. anyway. yeah. Carol…stop this crush..now!! >.<

ok, i’m off!

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